


These Grown-Up Children We Became

by rxvisionists



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Fifth Year, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mutual Pining, except gayer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:07:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24293347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rxvisionists/pseuds/rxvisionists
Summary: When James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter return for their fifth year at Hogwarts, everything is about to get more complicated. Because Sirius has a plan to help Remus and it isn't easy.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	1. September 1st, 1975

If anyone would be able to saunter down a corridor whilst holding their luggage and maneuvering around dozens of students, it would be James Potter. With his black hair tousled perfectly, one could imagine he had just stepped off a broomstick rather than fighting the crowds of students for the prime compartment. As it turned out, there was no need to fight any well-meaning first years because as he looked into the last compartment in the car he saw the shaggy-haired form of his best friend already leaning up against the window, sprawled out as if he didn’t have three other people coming to join him. 

“Black, the hell are you already doing on the train?” James scoffed as he threw his luggage above their heads and crashed onto the bench opposite Sirius. 

“Just claiming a whole bench for myself this year,” Sirius said shrugging. “You, my friend, will have to share with Remus and Peter for three whole hours while I get to lounge in luxury” 

James eyed his friend. In five years, Sirius had never been early to catch the train. He was nearly left behind and had to abandon his luggage on the platform to jump on the train as it pulled away. Sirius had borrowed James and Remus’s clothes for an entire month until the trunks were finally tracked down and shipped back to Hogwarts. Sirius had definitely grown a few inches over the summer but there was a hollowness in his face that couldn’t be accounted for by a simple growth spurt. 

Ignoring the likelihood that Sirius would hex him for asking, James said, “How was your mum?” 

“Splendid as ever” Sirius glowered at James, but not before a telling look crossed his face. James nodded. At least from what he could tell, Sirius didn’t have any bruises like he had last spring break. But he also knew the witch had more inventive ways to cause Sirius pain that didn’t leave marks. 

They may have sat like that forever if the train hadn’t lurched forward at that exact moment, rolling a surprised Sirius onto the floor. James burst into laughter as Sirius tried to right himself. “Laugh it up, Potter! I could’ve cracked my head open and DIED for all you know!” Sirius said indignantly. 

“As if anything could’ve hurt your thick skull,” James replied. Without warning, Sirius jumped on James putting him in a headlock. Laughing, James twisted in Sirius’ arms, wrapping his own around Sirius’ torso pulling him to the ground. The boys continued to wrestle, neither truly gaining an advantage over the other, until the heard the door to the compartment open and a familiar voice said, “Well, I certainly haven’t missed this” 

Remus Lupin stood in the doorway, his tall figure too lanky to hide the shorter boy behind his shoulder. 

“Remus! Peter! Care to join us on the floor?” Sirius said in his most sultry voice. 

“Yes, Sirius because the four of us getting it on in the middle of the train surrounded by our classmates who can clearly see us through the glass is exactly how I want to start off my fifth year,” retorted Remus with a smirk as he lifted his and Peter’s luggage into the top of the compartment. James and Peter sniggered, sitting down on the bench together, ready to watch the show. 

“Well, that’s _exactly_ what I was planning,” Sirius teased, popping up to look Remus in his widening eyes. Almost in the eyes. Even with the extra inches afforded to Sirius by the summer, he was still a good 3 inches shorter than the werewolf, arching his head upward his attempt at bravado. 

Remus paused a moment too long before saying “Sorry to disappoint” and sitting down on the bench with a small smile still lingering on his face. 

“You couldn’t disappoint me if you tried Moony,” Sirius said, his shoulder nudging Remus’s lightly as he sat down beside him. 

_Merlin, they’re going to be insufferable this year_ thought James, giving Peter the knowing look they always shared whenever Remus and Sirius got like this. At this point, it was almost impressive the two boys hadn’t realized how they felt about each other. 

“Besides, I have a surprise for you, Remus,” said Sirius slyly. 

“For me?” asked Remus.

“For all of you really,” Sirius said, turning to James and Peter acknowledging their presence for the first time since Remus walked in. 

“Well? What is it?” asked Peter excitedly. 

“Can’t tell you. Have to wait until we’re alone,” Sirius said, crossing his arms. Remus rolled his eyes as Peter started to pester Sirius with an endless string of questions, trying to get even the smallest hint. James was about to join in when he caught a flash of ginger hair outside their compartment. 

“Evans!” James yelled, darting out the compartment and into the hall. His friends would still be there when he got back. Right now, he had a girl to catch. 

… 

  
  


The opening feast went as it always did. The Sorting Hat’s song was long and poignant (although Remus suspected he was one of the only ones who bothered to really listen anymore) while Dumbledore’s speech was short and mysterious. After eating more food than anyone should in one sitting, the four friends headed back to the Gryffindor Common Room. By the time they headed up to the dormitory, Sirius had already accepted a dare that somehow left him and Peter with a black eye while Lily had rejected James for the second time in 12 hours. It only took three attempts, but Remus finally got the two boys up the stairs and into the dormitory with Peter trailing close behind.

“I’m doomed,” James said as he flopped down onto his bed, staring at the ceiling as if the entire world had come crashing down on top of him. “I’m destined to love a woman who will never give me the time of day.” 

Remus chuckled as he sat down next to James, his arm coming around James’ shoulders as he sat up. Normally, they just let James pine away in silence but it had been a long summer and Remus missed his friend, doomed love life and all. 

“Sirius, what was your surprise you had for us?” Peter asked a little too eagerly. 

Remus watched Sirius’ face as a strange look crossed his face that Remus couldn’t quite place. Fear? Anxiety? Anticipation? 

“Come on, Black. Evans already turned him down twice and we haven’t even been back at Hogwarts for 24 hours. Potter needs a pick me up” said Remus, attempting to cut the strange tension that had started to fill the room. And he was starting to get more than a little curious what this big secret was. 

“Alright,” said Sirius, “But not here. We have to go to the Shack.” They rarely went to the Shack if there wasn’t a full moon. Every detail Sirius gave made this seem like less and less of a fun surprise.

“Now?” James said quizzically. 

“If we can,” Sirius said, as his jaw set in that way that Remus knew meant that he wasn’t really asking. 

After a beat, James said, “Okay, I’ll get the cloak”.

Sneaking out of the castle was second nature at this point. Sometimes Remus wondered how he ended up friends with such rule-breakers (well, James and Sirius anyway) when all he wanted in life was to fit in and live a quiet normal life. But then he remembers the way those same troublemakers would stay up even after they had detention to bring him back to the castle after a full moon. Or the way that half the hexes they cast are payback for a snide remark someone made about Remus or Peter or Lily or any number of students that they cared about far less but defended anyway. 

As they made their way out of the castle and onto the school grounds, the cloak was shed and the boys stretched in the faint gleam of the moonlight. Remus didn’t need to look up to know that they were still a week away from the full moon. He hated when the full moon fell so close to coming back to school but when it comes around almost once a month you can only get so much time to adjust. 

Remus was pulled out of his signature melancholy when he caught Sirius stretching out of the corner of his eye. His gaze followed his friend as they made their way through the grounds to the Whomping Willow. The way his jet black hair caught the moonlight. That mischievous look that seemed to just be the default. It definitely didn’t help his wandering thoughts when he crawled into the passageway right after Sirius and Remus was left to look directly at Sirus’ ass for the full 100 yards until the tunnel became tall enough to walk in. 

He let Sirius walk ahead of him as he tried to collect himself before moving forward only for James to whisper “Enjoying the view, eh Moony?” in his ear as he snaked past him. Remus groaned and kept walking. Ever since last Christmas, when Sirius had been the one to go home for once, while James and Remus had stayed behind and late-night talks had somehow ended with Remus telling James about his slightly massive crush on Sirius, James had never let him live it down. Mercifully, James had conceded to only tease him when he was sure Sirius couldn’t hear them. Although, sometimes he swore James was encouraging him rather than teasing. As if his beautiful tragically straight Sirius would ever give him the time of day. At least not like that. 

Shaking the distracting thoughts from his head, Remus pulled himself up and into the Shack to find the rest of the boys waiting for him. Sirius stood apart, almost looking like he was about to give a lengthy lecture on the merits of haunting a shack such as this, as Remus joined the other two boys. 

James, Remus, and Peter stood in quiet anticipation, none of them wanting to be the one to push Sirius to tell them what exactly was going on here. They had all been friends long enough to know when to push Sirius and this was not one of those times. 

After wringing his hands for what felt like an eternity, Sirius finally spoke. “Alright, now I spent all summer on this and it is insanely tricky but I got it to work but it’s still new so I’m still adjusting and it’s still difficult especially if I’m nervous not that you lot make me nervous hell you’re my best mates but I want this to be right and -” Sirius was cut off when Remus’ hand came to his shoulder. 

“You’re rambling,” Remus said with a soft, crooked smile. “Just tell us” Sirius looked up at Remus leaning into his touch. 

“Well, actually, I have to _show_ you,” Sirius said sighing, much calmer than he was before. 

“Okay then,” Remus said as he stepped back. Sirius looked at Remus one last time and then looked at the ground with such determination you’d’ve thought he was taking an exam. But then, without warning, he began to shift, until, in an instant, all that was left was a shaggy black dog. 

Peter stepped back with a yelp, tripping over himself and landing on his backside with a thud. James’ hands flew to the sides of his head as he yelled “MERLIN’S BEARD, SIRIUS”. Remus just froze in place, eyes wide. He was still trying to process what just happened when just as instantaneously Sirius was back with the most sheepish look Remus had ever seen on his stupid face. 

“You’re-” sputtered Peter. 

“Animagus” answered Sirius.

“How-” managed James. 

“I started researching after I got the idea in the last few weeks or so of last year. I gathered all the materials over the summer, managed not to swallow the mandrake leaf and brew the potion all at the same time. The dog part just happened. You don’t get to choose” Sirius replied, the details rushing out of him with pride. 

While James and Peter scoffed and pestered for more, Remus remained frozen in place. He thought back on everything Sirius had said and rambled and hinted at in the last 12 hours when something occurred to him that he didn’t even dare to entertain. James and Peter fell quiet as Sirius turned and called Remus’ name. 

Focusing on Sirius, really looking at him for the first time since he had shifted, Remus stepped closer, so close they were practically touching. 

“Why?” 

Sirius broke their gaze to look at his feet, his confidence slipping for the first time since his transformation. 

“Why?” Remus asked again.

Sirius turned back up to meet his eyes. “Because werewolves attack people but they don’t attack other animals,” Sirius said softly. 

“But that means-” said James. 

“You don’t have to be alone,” Sirius said to Remus, never once breaking their gaze. 

Without a second thought, Remus pulled Sirius into his grasp, burying his face into Sirius’ neck with a sob he couldn’t have suppressed if he tried. He felt Sirius’ arms wrap around his back holding him just as tightly as Remus tried to compose himself. Sirius’ hands went to his hair, gently pulling their heads apart just enough so their foreheads could meet. Remus’ vision was still blurry from the falling tears but he could still make out the soft grey of Sirius’ eyes as he said “You’re not going to be alone anymore” 

It was all Remus could do to just stare into Sirius’ eyes without breaking down again. Remembering that they weren’t alone in the room, he somehow dragged his eyes away from Sirius to look at James and Peter, who were looking at them with such compassion it nearly broke his heart all over again. 

Breaking the tension as only James Potter could, he smirked at Sirius, teasing, “I thought you said this was a surprise for ALL of us, Sirius. What’s in it for me and Peter?” 

“Well, if I can do it, I’m sure I can figure out how to teach you two gits to join me as well,” Sirius said, returning the smirk. 

“Wait,” said Peter excitedly. “You mean that we can become Animagi too?” 

“I mean if you think you can manage to live up to my brilliance,” Sirius said arrogantly, finally releasing Remus to bow deeply before his mates. “When they finally manage to catch up to me,” Sirius said as he turned back to Remus, reaching for his hand, “then we can all be there for you. Every night. No more waiting in the castle. No more leaving you to face the wolf on your own. All of us right here. With you” 

“You mean it?” Remus said, choking back another sob. “You would do that for me?” 

“Of course we would, Moony,” James said, stepping forward to grab his other arm. 

“We’ll be there,” said Peter, joining the circle. 

Remus grabbed all of his friends then, holding them in a hug he never wanted to leave. As he cried the happiest tears of his life, Remus had no idea what he did to deserve friends like these. All he knew is that he wouldn’t be letting them go anytime soon. 

  
  



	2. The Pain We Cannot Fight

Sirius woke up the next morning, stretching loudly as the sun beamed in through the cracks in the curtains. They had stayed at the shack until the early hours of the morning as he had explained the process of becoming an Animagi to James and Peter and they started to make plans for the other two to join Sirius. It had been a tricky, lengthy process to pull off that had taken most of Sirius’ summer to get right. As if the time spent away from his mother’s wrath wasn’t reward enough, the look on Remus’ face as he told him what becoming an Animagi truly meant for him made every second he poured into the endeavor worth it. Not to mention the fact that Remus hadn’t let go of him for the rest of the night. It didn’t matter if Sirius was describing the detailed potion-making process or just sitting back and letting James and Peter muse on what form their Animagi would take. Remus’ hand stayed with Sirius. On his shoulder, his back, his knee. Remus never stopped touching him, as if he needed to make sure Sirius in that moment was real, to ground himself to reality. 

Sirius knew he hadn’t meant anything more by it. He may have been arrogant but he wasn’t stupid. Sirius could be in love with Remus forever and Remus would never reciprocate. It just wasn’t possible. Not that Sirius minded just being friends with Remus. Anytime with Remus was more time than he deserved but there would always wish for a little more, a little different. 

Finally sitting up in bed, Sirius realized that he was, in fact, the only one left in the dormitory. Panicked, he checked his watch. If he got dressed right now, he could just barely make it down to the Great Hall in time to grab a bite to eat before Transfiguration. He threw on a pair of trousers and a shirt and tie, stopping for only a moment to grab his book bag (and for an even longer moment to make sure his hair looked just right) before racing out of the common room towards the Great Hall. 

By the time he reached the doors, however, students were already filing out, clearly too late for him to have any hope at food. That is until a certain lanky teenager wraps his arms around Sirius’ shoulder with a scone in hand. 

“Figured I’d knick you some breakfast seeing as you weren’t going to make it down in time to eat,” Remus said with a smile as Sirius stuffed the pastry into his mouth as they turned to walk towards Transfiguration. 

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” asked Sirius with his mouth full. 

“We tried,” said James as he and Peter fell in line. 

“You wouldn’t budge,” added Peter. 

Sirius rolled his eyes as the other three laughed. They continued walking until James blurted out “ I think we ought to give you a nickname too”

“Give who a what?” asked Sirius, actually pausing his journey into the scone for a moment. 

“You,” said James. “Or at least  _ your _ furry friend.” 

“That’s a good idea,” said Peter, ever eager to please. 

“Well it needs to be fitting,” said Remus, stepping away to look at Sirius like he was judging him in a beauty pageant. Merlin, what that looks could do to Sirius. 

“What did you have in mind?” replied Sirius, turning towards James and away from Remus’ distracting gaze. 

“What about… Padfoot?” James said the name as he flashed his hands in the air as if he were announcing the best idea anyone had ever heard. 

“That’s terrible,” scoffed Sirius. 

“I like it,” smirked Remus. Sirius glared at Remus but all he got was a wink in return. 

“I think it’s great, James,” offered Peter. 

“I don’t have much choice in the matter do I?” groaned Sirius. 

“Nope!” said James. “It’s even better that you don’t like it. Now hurry up. If we get to Transfiguration in time, I can snag a seat next to Evans” 

Sirius drug his feet in protest as the boy’s made their way into the classroom. He was about to take the final delicious bite of his scone but when he brought it to his mouth, he was no longer holding a scone but a fluffy pink quill. 

“Food is to stay in the Great Hall, Mr. Black, as you should well know by now seeing as it is now your 5th year at this fine institution,” said McGonagall from the front of the class. 

“I missed you too, Professor,” said Sirius with a wink. 

“Try that again Mr. Black and you’ll find yourself biting into something worse than an innocent quill,” McGonagall said before turning to write on the board. 

Sirius groaned. Day 2 of Hogwarts was NOT going according to plan. 

…

The four boys stayed in their dormitory for much of the day on Saturday. They said they had to catch up on the homework they had neglected in all of their mischief that week, but, in reality, they always tried to spend the day of a full moon with Remus whenever possible. James could already see the circles darkening around Remus’ eyes, even as he still tried to distract himself with a Transfiguration essay that was due on Monday. The warm light streaming in through the window told James that the sun was making its way out of the sky, leaving them only about an hour or so before they would have to head to the Shrieking Shack to give them enough time to make it back to the castle before Remus transformed. 

But if Remus looked rough for the full moon, somehow Sirius seemed to look even worse. He had spent most of the week detailing the Animagus process and going out with Peter under James’ cloak to knick the ingredients they needed from the greenhouses and Potions cupboards. Just that morning, James and Peter had stuck the mandrake leaves in their mouths where they had to stay from one full moon to the next as just the first step to becoming an Animagus. Sirius could not stop talking about his being able to spend the full moon with Remus. It got to the point that the other three had to stop him from openly talking about their best friend casually being a werewolf in front of their unsuspecting classmates on multiple occasions. Now, however, just hours before the full moon was going to rise, Sirius was silent as the grave, staring at his parchment with such dread you would have thought it was showing him his own gravestone. James thought he could even see Sirius’ quill shaking as he held it close to the paper not even attempting to write anymore. 

James stood suddenly, stretching loudly with his arms above his head, and said, “Come on everyone. Just because it’s fifth year doesn’t mean we have to spend ALL day studying, I mean who are we?” His crooked smile attempted to cut through the tension as Peter laughed and Remus managed a small chuckle as he put down his parchment. “There’s only about an hour until sunset but I’m sure we could find some unsuspecting Slytherins to hex on our way to the shack if we leave right now.” 

“I wouldn’t mind the walk but I’m not hexing anyone,” said Remus wryly as he stood. 

James turned to put his own materials down when he saw Sirius’ face. It was as if all the blood had suddenly drained from his face. His quaking quill was now snapped in half in his lap. Their eyes met and James saw something he rarely saw in his friend’s face: terror. 

“You know what,” James said, never breaking eye contact with Sirius. “Peter, why don’t you start walking down with Remus and Sirius and I will catch up in a minute?” 

“Um, okay,” Peter said quizzically, with a look at James. They were lucky Remus was so preoccupied with the coming moon otherwise he may have caught on. As it was Peter simply put his arm around Remus’ torso in a gesture of friendship that also happened to give the weakening boy some support. “We’ll catch up with you later” 

Once he was sure that the two were not coming back, James turned and knelt next to Sirius’ shaking form sitting on the floor. “Sirius, what is it?” James said gently. All Sirius did was shake his head softly, putting it between his knees as silent tears began to fall. James wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, his hand rubbing Sirius’ back as he cried, but he could tell by the diminishing light that there was little chance of making it to Remus before moonrise now. 

“I can’t do it,” Sirius whispered so suddenly, James wasn’t sure he had even heard it. 

“Can’t do what?” prompted James. 

“Transform. I’ve been trying all day and there’s nothing,” said Sirius. 

James remembered somewhere in Sirius’ ramblings that week that, while generally, Animagi transformation is simple once the ritual has been performed, when people were still adjusting to the magic, things like stress or anxiety can make it difficult to successfully transform. He looked at Sirius’ still crying form and saw all the pressure the boy had heaped upon himself. He had spent an entire summer completing a lengthy, complicated magical process to make sure he could be there for Remus. And with James and Peter’s processes still in the beginning stages, this experiment was all riding on Sirius’ shoulders. For all his bravado, James knew that Sirius cared more than he let on. 

“You don’t have to do this tonight,” James said, in what he hoped was a reassuring tone. “By the next moon, Peter and I should be able to transform with you and you can have help. You’re putting this all on yourself and its getting in your way. You don’t have to do this”

“But I WANT to,” Sirius said, choking back a sob. “This was all for him! I need to help him! I TOLD him I would be there. This was going to be it. I was finally going to be able to help him through a full moon and how I’m just stuck up in this stupid castle while my- my best friend is transforming without me.” With every word now Sirius was ripping his unwritten essay to shreds. Looking out the window, James saw the moon just above the trees and knew that Sirius was right about one thing: Remus was transforming and the two of them were in the tower. 

“Sirius, we’ll figure it out. There’s always the next moon. You’ll have more practice and maybe you won’t be as anxious.” James said, taking the shredded parchment from Sirius’s hands. 

“But I was supposed to be there THIS full moon. I was supposed to be able to do this. Why can’t I do this?” Sirius cried. “Why can’t I help him?” And with that, Sirius collapsed into James’ lap, sobs overtaking words.

James held his best friend as he cried, watching the moon rise higher and higher into the night. This wasn’t the first full moon since they learned about Remus’ condition that James had held a helpless Sirius while he cried, unable to help his friend in his need. But he sure as hell hoped it would be the last. 

…

  
  


Remus groaned as he came back to himself, disoriented after a night given over to the wolf. He could see the early morning light creeping into the dilapidated shack, wearing years of damage from savage wolf attacks. He struggled to stand until he finally had enough momentum to get himself into the tunnel as he crawled back to the civilized world. As he came out from the Whomping Willow, he saw his three best friends, right where they always were, waiting for him to emerge so they could help him back up to the castle. There had even been mornings when he was too weak and wounded to make it out of the shack and his friends had climbed in after him to get him home. James and Peter rushed forward as the branches of the tree stilled, quickly getting under both of Remus’ arms to support him as they walked up the narrow path back to the castle. Sirius led the way ahead of them to ensure they were not interrupted by any suspicious students. Even in his grogginess, Remus could feel the tension that kept Sirius at arm’s length. If he didn’t know better, he could’ve sworn the boy’s eyes were slightly red. 

They had just made it into the castle when Sirius hissed, “Incoming!” and Remus felt James and Peter pull him behind a pillar as Sirius stepped into the alcove, shielding the other boys with his body, bringing his face just inches away from Remus’. Remus was surprised to see fear in his friend’s reddened eyes before they quickly dropped to the floor to avoid his gaze. 

“Just Peeves,” breathed Sirius, stepping back quickly. James and Peter continued to help Remus back up the winding way to the Gryffindor Common Room as Remus began to connect the dots. Sirius had done something, no become something, for him. He was supposed to be with Remus last night. 

“Padfoot,” hissed Peter. Remus didn’t miss Sirius’ flinch as the nickname.  _ A dog,  _ Remus thought,  _ He became an Animagus. He was supposed to be a dog.  _ Remus never had a clear remembrance of his time as the wolf but he could gather bits and pieces. He remembered enough to know that there had been no shaggy black dog in the shack last night. “Padfoot, is the Common Room clear?” 

“Yeah, we’re good to go,” muttered Sirius, not looking back at his friends. As they stepped through the portrait hole, Remus let go of Peter only needing James’ support to make it up the stairs now. He glanced at James, silently asking him what happened the night before. But James just shook his head whispering, “You’ll have to ask him yourself.”

They plopped Remus on his bed as gently as anyone can drop a 6’2” werewolf who can barely support his own weight on to a bed. Sirius moved to leave the room but James quickly grabbed Peter’s arm and said, “We’ll go see if we can grab you some early breakfast from kitchens, Moony. Padfoot, you stay with Moony until we get back. You’re the best at healing spells anyway.” 

“But-” started Sirius. 

“Back in a jiff,” said James giving Remus one last look before shutting the door. 

_ Subtle,  _ thought Remus as Sirius shuffled over to his bedside, refusing to make eye contact as he knelt by the bed gently checking for any new scratches to heal. 

“Sirus,” Remus moaned as he tried to sit up in bed. Sirius did not respond. 

“Dammit, Sirius, look at me!” It came out harsher than Remus had meant and he immediately regretted it as Sirius winced once again before finally turning to look Remus in the eyes. 

“Sirius,” said Remus, his tone controlled and gentle. “Tell me what happened last night.” 

Sirius’ eyes brimmed with tears as he opened and closed his mouth, unable to find the words. He tried to stand but Remus’ grabbed his hand, gripping it tightly and pulling it close to his chest. “What happened?” 

“I tried to transform last night for you but I couldn’t. It’s still so new and I got just so anxious because I was so worried about being able to be there for you. I owe it to you to be there when you need me and my own fucking brain got in the way and I couldn’t do a thing to stop it.” The words flowed out of Sirius faster than Remus had ever heard him speak. 

Remus just sat there stunned. Sirius hadn’t been able to transform because he had been so worried… about him? 

“You don’t owe me anything, Sirius,” breathed Remus. 

“Yes, I-” started Sirius. 

“No. No, you don’t. You don’t get it, Sirius. When I came to Hogwarts, I barely expected to make friends, let alone ones who would know about my condition and still love me through it. Never once, in my wildest dreams, did I imagine any of them being crazy enough to try and be WITH me when I transformed. Getting to have you and James and Peter is more than I ever could’ve wished for. Being friends isn’t about owing each other. It’s just about being there for each other when you can and,” Remus tentatively raised his hand to Sirius’ face holding him there, making sure he understood, “understanding when you can’t” With his last sentiment, Sirius melted into Remus’ hand, silent tears falling from his face again. 

“You’ll be there with me soon. We can figure it out together, all four of us.” Remus said, pulling Sirius to him as he got on the bed to hold Remus as he cried. “I have no idea what I did to deserve the three of you, but you have the three of us too, Sirius. This isn’t something you are going to fix by yourself in one night or one summer.” 

Sirius was still crying into Remus’ chest but he gently grabbed his chin so Sirius was looking into his eyes again. 

“Can I ask you something?” said Remus softly

Sirius stilled but nodded anyway. 

“Why didn’t you tell any of us about trying to become an Animagus? You knew James and Peter would jump at the chance to join you and we all could’ve helped you over the summer,” said Remus. 

“Because,” said Sirius. “I wasn’t sure I could do it and if I failed and it didn’t work… Well, I could barely handle the thought of it. I wasn’t going to risk disappointing you like that.” 

“Oh, Sirius,” Remus said, pulling Sirius in even tighter than before. “You could never disappoint me” 

  
  
  


When James and Peter finally got back to the dormitory, arms full of food, they found the two boys still holding each other, finally having found sleep in the arms of the other. 

  
  
  



	3. Negotiations

James watched his two best friends for the next month as their anxieties twisted around each other, both helping and hurting until their fears seemed as one. Sirius dealt with things as he always did with false bravado and repression, only cracking to those who knew him best. He pulled more pranks than ever, getting detention after detention, laughing all the way. Until he was alone in their dormitory, where he would compulsively transform into a dog and back every few minutes just to prove that he could. He started each night in his own bed, but there was hardly a night anymore when James didn’t wake to find Sirius in Remus’ bed, either as Padfoot or as himself simply curled around the other boy. 

Remus’s anxieties, however, manifested themselves in another way. He dove into every book he could find on Animagi, finding proof that Sirius’ lack of transformation was completely normal, finding improvements to the potion they were brewing for James and Peter. He was also overcompensating for Sirius’ lack of discipline by making sure that all of Sirius’ work was still completed on time by any means necessary. Sometimes this meant writing a few feet of parchment on his own, sometimes it meant tricking all three of his friends into the library and not letting them leave until they finished their assignments, and one particularly memorable instance when Remus tried stealing all of Sirius’ clothes and refusing to give them back until he wrote his Potions essay. That had  _ not  _ had the desired effect and instead left Remus chasing after a streaking Sirius as he ran through the Gryffindor Common Room trying to charm Sirius’ clothes back onto him before he scarred any more first-years. 

But it all came to a head two days before the next full moon. James had been sitting in the hallway outside Transfiguration with Remus and Peter, going over the details of the next moon. James and Peter had their own task that night, as they had to complete the next few crucial steps of the Animagi process. 

“You have to make sure that you can SEE the moon as you spit it out,” said Remus. “No clouds or anything. A clear moon is crucial.” 

“Not even a wisp?” teased Peter in a clear attempt to hide his anxiousness. 

“That’s the thing, Pete,” said James, a hard look in his eye. “There’s a reason there aren’t many Animagi. The process is incredibly precise and if you mess up any detail, you have to start the entire process over. It isn’t worth the effort for most people.” 

“Most people don’t have a Remus,” Peter said smiling. 

“Hey, nobody ‘has’ me!” exclaimed Remus, unsuccessfully attempting to keep the smile from his face. 

“Yeah we do,” said James as he pulled Remus into a headlock, all of them instantly dissolving into laughter. 

Then, the hallway exploded. Or rather, something exploded into the hallway. Suddenly, there was a pink foaming goo that was streaming out of the Transfiguration classroom nearly ankle-deep, causing any student caught in its path to get frozen in their spot. 

“MR. BLACK!” screeched a voice that rarely found itself above a stern talking to. 

James turned to share a knowing look with Remus, who looked just as concerned as James felt. 

They turned to see Sirius stuck in the doorway of the classroom a smug look on his face. There were gold sparks as the pink goo started to disappear, freeing students from its pale grasp until the only goo left was around Sirius’ ankles. 

McGonagall appeared behind Sirius coming around to look him in the face. 

“Hello there Minnie,” Sirius grinned. Remus groaned as James’ hand flew up to meet his face. 

“Detention, Mr. Black. 7 pm tonight. And every night this week,” said McGonagall cooly. 

James stilled. That meant Sirius would be in detention during the full moon. 

“Perfect,” said Sirius with an equally cold grin as McGonagall vanished the goo from his ankles. 

As Sirius walked towards them, Remus stood quickly. “Come on guys, Charms will be starting soon.” He walked off quickly with Peter in tow. 

“We’ll be there in a second,” said James, eyeing Sirius. He grabbed the dark-haired boy by the tie and pulled him into an empty closet. 

“Coming on to me, Potter? Can’t say I haven’t thought about it,” said Sirius playfully. 

James shoved Sirius up against the door, holding him there with his arm across Sirius’s chest, his temper flaring. “The fuck are you trying to pull Padfoot?” seethed James.

“What are you talking about? Get off me,” said Sirius wriggling under James’ arm. 

“Look me in the eyes and tell me that you didn’t pull that to try and get detention during the full moon,” said James. 

To his credit, Sirius held James’ gaze for a few moments before finally looking at the ground without a word, all the tension in his body gone. James let go of his friend, still standing close in the tight quarters. 

“Why?” said James calmly. 

“If I’m in detention, I can’t fail at transforming again, can I?” said Sirius, with a shrug. 

James sighed and pulled Sirius into a tight hug. 

“Really are coming onto me, huh,” Sirius said into James’ chest with a laugh. 

“Shut it, you git,” James said. “Listen to me right now. You haven’t had trouble transforming since the last moon. We have a plan. We can be there to support you. It’s going to be okay. But Remus needs you to help him. Peter and I can’t be there because we have to complete the next steps in our process.”

At that, Sirius pulled back, panic returning to his eyes. “But… my detention”

“I’ll take care of it,” James said, squeezing Sirius’ arm. 

“But-”

“I’ll take care of it,” James repeated.

“Okay.” 

“Now we need to get out of this closet before anyone starts a rumor that we actually are snogging in here,” said James opening the door and shoving Sirius back out as he laughed. 

“Oh I’m definitely starting that rumor now,” Sirius said with a smirk. 

  
  


James waited after their Transfiguration the next afternoon to talk to McGonagall. There had been an extra level of tension that day as Sirius tried to avoid McGonagall’s eye as much as possible while McGonagall seemed to ask Sirius for the answer to every single question. 

“What do you want, Mr. Potter?” asked McGonagall after the last student left the room. 

“I wanted to talk to you about Sirius’ detention,” said James, as confidently as he could muster in front of the terrifying woman. 

McGonagall cocked her eyebrow. “You don’t normally negotiate your detentions, Mr. Potter. Certainly not for other people.” 

“I know” 

“So why would I-”

“He can’t do it tomorrow night,” James blurted. 

“And why is that?” McGonagall said. 

James weighed his options. He knew that McGonagall knew of Remus’ condition. All the staff did. But no one knew that any other students knew. And he didn’t know how much trouble Remus could be in. But McGonagall was their Head of House. Despite the detentions, she had always had a soft spot for the four of them. It was a risk but James didn’t see any other way. 

“Tomorrow is the full moon,” James said, looking McGonagall straight in the eye. She didn’t say anything, her eyes narrowing slightly. There was no doubt that she knew what James was talking about but she obviously was not about to do the work for him. James sucked in a deep breath and continued. 

“We never miss a full moon. We have to be there for him.” James looked down. “For Remus.” 

“When you say you are there for Mr. Lupin...” said McGonagall with concern. 

“Not THERE for him, obviously. We aren’t daft. We just take him down to the willow and then take him back up to the castle.” James said quickly. He noted that McGonagall didn’t ask  _ how _ he knew. He supposed she didn’t have to. The four had been inseparable since first year, figuring out their best friend was a werewolf wasn’t exactly a stretch. 

“That’s still a dangerous game, you are playing there, Mr. Potter,” said McGonagall sternly. 

“Wouldn’t you do the same professor? For your friend?” James said quietly, not daring to look back up. 

After a long pause, McGonagall said finally, “Yes, I suppose I would.” 

James’ head shot up. When he met McGonagall’s eyes, he could’ve sworn he saw pride. 

“Tell Mr. Black he may have tomorrow night off so long as he serves an extra night next week as well.” 

“Thank you, Professor!” James said, relieved turning to race out of the room. 

“Mr. Potter,” McGonagall called. James turned in the doorway to look back. 

“You’ll tell me if you ever find yourself… out of your depth, yes?” 

“Of course, Professor,” James said with a grateful smile. With that, he turned and ran into the halls. 

  
  


…

  
  


“Now, Sirius, remember we have a plan.” 

They hadn’t even gone down to breakfast yet but Remus could tell that Sirius was already nervous about tonight from his shaking hands. Sirius hadn’t even attempted to sleep in his own bed last night, crawling in with Remus as soon as the lights went out. When Sirius still didn’t look at him, Remus walked over to the side of the bed and grabbed his hands. 

“Look at me. We have a plan.” Remus repeated. Sirius nodded. “Tell me” 

“After Charms, we will all go down to the shack, skipping dinner,” Sirius said in a soft but unwavering voice. “We will still have hours before the moon comes up so we won’t be pressed for time. I’ll transform and stay Padfoot until the morning. James and Peter will leave with enough time to get back up to the castle while I-” Sirius looked up into Remus’ eyes with a stubborn look. “I will stay with you while you transform and through the night.” 

“Hold on, that is NOT the plan Sirius!” Remus said quickly. 

“It’s my plan,” said Sirius. “If I’m going to be there for you, I’m going to BE there for you. I’m not going to hide out in the forest and crawl back in at the last second before you transform back. That was not the point of this entire thing. Besides, the wolf will be more likely to bond with Padfoot if he is already there when you transform instead of sneaking up on him.” 

Remus wanted to argue but he had been friends with Sirius long enough to know that when he sticks his chin out like that and gets that look in his eye, there is nothing on Earth that will stop him. 

“Fine,” Remus sighed, too tired from the waxing moon to argue any further. “You can stay. But you at least have to keep your distance when.. when it happens.” 

“Deal,” said Sirius a bit too smugly. 

…

  
  


James sat on the steps of the staircase, his knee bouncing constantly. He and Peter had completed all the complicated steps of the second full moon. They just needed to wait for a lightning storm, which should be in just a few days. But completing the Animagi process was the last thing on James’ mind at the moment. He and Peter had left Remus and Sirius, admittedly Sirius as a dog, in the shack hours before. Now it was just a waiting game, waiting for the sun to rise, waiting to see if his two best friends in the world made it through the night in one piece. 

“They’re gonna be okay,” said Peter, with all the confidence of a first year speaking in McGonagall’s class for the first time. 

James’ knee continued to bounce. 

After what seemed like a lifetime, the first beams of light filtered in over the trees. It wasn’t much but it was enough. James bolted out of the castle and down the path to the willow leaving Peter to scramble after him. They had barely reached the tree when they saw Remus crawling out of the tunnel with Sirius under his arm, both of them beaming. James froze, stunned, Peter running into his back. Remus looked better than he ever had after a full moon. James locked eyes with Sirius, seeing hope where there had so long been pain. 

“It worked?” James asked breathlessly. 

“It. Worked.” said Sirius, grinning like a mad man. 

“It really did,” said Remus. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters are going to err on the fun side I promise. One can only handle so much angst without a reprieve.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Forgive the Children We Once Were by Delta Rae
> 
> *this is now a contained story in these three chapters and the further development of the story will continue in a series*


End file.
